When you are in a messed up relationship it sometimes feels impossible to leave. It feels like you have nothing and no one. If you are in a abusive relationship whether it be emotionally, physically or verbally, you tend to have no self esteem left, no hope, no faith. You feel exhausted and emotional, sometimes even depressed or suicidal.
You take it because all this time of fucked up treatment has made you believe you deserve this. Because a narcissist has this amazing ability to completely destroy you and then turn around and make you think it was all you. They deny their actions to a point where they believe it.
Well here I am today. I had all of the above including a little one. I felt I couldn’t leave, I felt ugly, worthless and lost. I felt I needed to keep working on it for my little one. But you see the thing is, those two small eyes looking up at you should be more than enough reason and motivation for you to get your ass out.
When I left after all the abuse, cheating and lying, I scrapped the pieces that were left of me off the floor, swallowed my pride and moved back to my parents. People started knowing what had happened and everyone had an egg to lay. Fuck him, you are better off etc. but what no one stopped to think about is that I loved him when I left. I loved him after all he did and that I was fighting a much bigger fight that you are able to see.
I needed to keep fighting my love for him, I needed to repair everything he had broken and on top of all of that I needed to keep being a decent mom for my son. Some days felt damn near impossible, I’d wait till everyone was asleep and I’d go into the garden and cry, I’d cry my fucking heart out because I was broken, shattered to pieces, all my hopes and dreams tossed away but most of all I was scared.
I am writing this today for the men and woman stuck in relationships like mine and I want to tell you it gets better. No it won’t happen over night and it sure as hell won’t be easy but keep pushing through, keep fighting for the person you use to be before they came around and tore you apart.
Unfuck yourself, don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they won, fight back, better yourself and show them what the fuck they’ll be missing.
Yes I loved him when I left but I loved me and my son more…