Diary of an Emotional Woman

this diary is about me putting my thoughts, feelings and fears down on paper(or on your screen :P)

Not goodbye yet

You came at a time I really needed you. Like a knight on a white horse you rescued me. You showed me what love really is, what it should feel like and how I should be treated. You made me believe in a brighter, better future that I couldn’t see.

You came into my life when I swore off love and men as I’ve been torn apart enough.

I was star struck by your love and tried to enjoy every moment but like all good things it now has to come to an end. So it’s been a few days since you told me our futures go in different directions and my heart shattered to pieces.

It feels like it’s been weeks…

Though my heartaches for a future without you it seems I’ve never loved you more, like every minute of every day means more, it lingers longer.

I can’t imagine a future without you but I know this is what you need, what is best for you and therefor I will put my feelings aside, to give you the space and happiness you deserve.

This isn’t my goodbye as my heart can’t take it yet.

3 more weeks and we’ll be officially over and I’ve never wished for time to go slower than I do right now


The moment I fell in love with you

It’s funny with everything nearing the end I can sit here recalling the first passionate kiss we had and that exact moment I fell in love with you. I remember all the little moments that made me love you more. I remember a time when it was almost everyday something new, a new reason to love you more than I did the day before.

I remember that first night sleeping in your bed, I remember your naked skin against mine, the warmth of you that took away the freezing feeling I had and in that moment you turned down the noise constantly buzzing in my mind, you held me in your arms and chased my demons away.

I laid my head on your chest and your heartbeat became my lullaby, I fell asleep almost immediately unlike the nights before you where I fought my demons hoping to fall asleep before I fell apart.

I wanted to stay awake, look at your beautiful eyes, touch your soft skin, run my hand gently over your beard and just take you in, thankful for the human laying right next to me.

Knowing my history, my luggage that came along still willing to love me with no hesitation or conditions, taking me as I am and holding my hand every step of the way.

So I lay here knowing my nights with you are growing fewer and I can still remember the moment I fell in love with you…

Donor or DAD

No calls. No messages. No visits. No effort from your side.
For days on end. And the once in a blue moon an expensive gift gets given.
We make first contact. We call. We initiate visits.
But in your eyes the gift buys love. Saying yes or answering the phone counts as effort from your side.
Being mostly absent until it can feed your ego, making little to no contribution somehow entitles you to be called a DAD.
Contributing your sperm makes you a DONOR not a DAD.

Unconditional love.
Being there when it is easy as well as hard.
Showing an interest in who they are.
Getting to know them and embracing their uniqueness instead of forcing your ways and breaking them down.

THESE things is what earns you the rights of being called a DAD!

Going around playing poor me cards and making excuses will not build a relationship with your child. Those people you are telling all these things to won’t be there one day when you are on your death bed.

Please don’t tell me, AS A MOM, what is right and what is wrong when it comes to protecting and providing for my child. Just because it is someone’s sperm that made the baby doesn’t mean they can claim what they want.

From a mom, tired of hearing how great an absent father is, oh it must be so hard for the father, shame this isn’t fair, he doesn’t deserve this treatment; for everyone believes his lies, from a mom who would die to protect her child even if it means distance from family.


I loved him when I left

When you are in a messed up relationship it sometimes feels impossible to leave. It feels like you have nothing and no one. If you are in a abusive relationship whether it be emotionally, physically or verbally, you tend to have no self esteem left, no hope, no faith. You feel exhausted and emotional, sometimes even depressed or suicidal.

You take it because all this time of fucked up treatment has made you believe you deserve this. Because a narcissist has this amazing ability to completely destroy you and then turn around and make you think it was all you. They deny their actions to a point where they believe it.

Well here I am today. I had all of the above including a little one. I felt I couldn’t leave, I felt ugly, worthless and lost. I felt I needed to keep working on it for my little one. But you see the thing is, those two small eyes looking up at you should be more than enough reason and motivation for you to get your ass out.

When I left after all the abuse, cheating and lying, I scrapped the pieces that were left of me off the floor, swallowed my pride and moved back to my parents. People started knowing what had happened and everyone had an egg to lay. Fuck him, you are better off etc. but what no one stopped to think about is that I loved him when I left. I loved him after all he did and that I was fighting a much bigger fight that you are able to see.

I needed to keep fighting my love for him, I needed to repair everything he had broken and on top of all of that I needed to keep being a decent mom for my son. Some days felt damn near impossible, I’d wait till everyone was asleep and I’d go into the garden and cry, I’d cry my fucking heart out because I was broken, shattered to pieces, all my hopes and dreams tossed away but most of all I was scared.

I am writing this today for the men and woman stuck in relationships like mine and I want to tell you it gets better. No it won’t happen over night and it sure as hell won’t be easy but keep pushing through, keep fighting for the person you use to be before they came around and tore you apart.

Unfuck yourself, don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they won, fight back, better yourself and show them what the fuck they’ll be missing.

Yes I loved him when I left but I loved me and my son more…

Poem #1 – 3.10.2018

As the sun sets on a beautiful summers day, I close my eyes and think of you. I can see the sun turning your muscular body a light golden brown. Your eyes are sparkling and you have that killer smile. I recall your voice as calming as the ocean waves. You embrace me and shower me with love and in my heart I can feel you. You’ve become a part of me I wish to never lose. I am in love and lost in a world of perfect happiness.

Poem written 12.08.18

It’s late night laughter just you and me.
Your creative mind and game talk.
It’s lazy Sunday afternoons and warm tea.
Sunlight through the curtains keeping us cozy.

It’s the small things that
make it so damn hard to walk away,
to pretend I don’t miss you,
not to stay.

It’s all the little things that make me
fall in love with you
every single day.

Lessons in love

You can open up your heart completely, you can give it all you have and still it might not work out. And that is okay because we learn our most valuable lessons in love.

Love teaches us so many good things but in love we also learn that some times love isn’t enough and you need more than that. You might love someone but you don’t like them or want to be with them.

I have learnt this lesson more than I’d care to admit.

I love them but that does not mean we belong together or that a relationship between us will ever succeed no matter how hard I try.

Old relationship things

It’s funny really, how you can go from talking every second of every day to 1 word in months. How all you did was see each other every opportunity you had now you can hardly recall the last time you’ve seen them. How you wish you made that kiss last longer or held on a little tighter if only you knew it was the last time.

It’s funny how someone who owned such a large part of your heart becomes a stranger and how you can go back to being strangers after everything that has happened. How you long for them, miss them but not a word will be said. Your days go on new people in and out of your lives yet you don’t say a thing.

It’s funny really because you won’t ever stop loving them the way you do…

All you do is learn to hide it well enough to move on.

I will be a better ME

Image may contain: one or more people and text

The bottom images were 2012 and the top images was more or less 2 years later. I went from a happy go lucky fun loving person to an emotional, abused, depressed skeleton and I was losing my fight.

Let’s be real for a moment, I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end, I believed everyone around me was better off without me. I felt alone, hurt and lost.

Lucky for me I had my son, a reason to keep fighting and keep getting up. He was enough and because of that I know I am enough!

I now know, 4 years after it all started that I am enough! I am strong, beautiful, worthy and I am ENOUGH! It took me 2 years to get out of my situation and turn it around but now after a full year of being out things are finally starting to look bright again.

And for the effort and fight I put in and those that supported me I will walk proud! I will fight everyday but I will get back the me I lost and I will make her stronger and better for she is much wiser.

Don’t give up because today is stormy, tomorrow the sun will rise and you will regret missing it!

Loads of positive vibes, love and understanding


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